What Do You Do When Your Child Goes From Play to Violence In Seconds?
Hello everybody,
My son Aaron seems to become angry so suddenly that at times I feel like I am fighting an endless battle. We have identified things that seem to trigger crying spells and anger outbursts and have been teaching him to recognize them as well. We have certainly come a long way. Last year we were in the car driving and the music was playing, Morgan was singing off key, Danielle and Jessica were playing hand games and I was chatting away in the front seat. When I looked in the rear view mirror I saw that look on Aaron's face, but not soon enough. He started hitting himself in the head and shouting at Morgan to "STOP SINGING LIKE THAT!"
This always led to one of two things, hitting his sister or crying for exaggerated periods of time and when this outburst was finished he would be tired and slightly unsure of why he was crying at all. I learned (after years, not months) what scenarios were more likely to trigger these episodes and made myself constantly aware of when these triggers were culminating. I put this much energy into it so that I could begin to teach Aaron to be aware of them.
I started pointing out to him when I noticed his tension and offered suggestions. When we were in the car I would turn off the radio and announce that Aaron has had his fill of noise and that we need to quiet down. This accomplished two things, the girls learned to consider Aaron's needs and Aaron began to recognize why he was mad. I have been working with him constantly to help him recognize those physical signs of anger early on.
I am confident in my decision to continue teaching him in this manner. I know that we don't need professional support to get us by and ensure he is a responsible adult with control over himself. Today when we are in the car and the same scenario that would lead to head banging and shouting last year is now completely in his control. He will say, "mom there is too much noise." and prevent the anger all together.
Even knowing all this I find myself at times exhausted because we are still dealing with frequent outbursts that I wish were more controlled. They almost always involve his younger sister and to be honest sometimes I think maybe she taunts him. He seems so stressed out when his routine is interupted and I feel so much pain for his suffering. I want to take all this away from his shoulders and let his emotions be like everybody else. Sometimes I wander if this is possible and should I keep trying? Has any other parents faced something similar? Did you find a method that works well and smoothly? If so please share...I would love to hear your replies.
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Mikki-Not one child is the same as another, that's for sure! It's neat to hear about all of the different qualities that your children possess. I'm afraid I don't have any answers and what you're doing sounds like it is working. I think it's great that you've helped him identify why he is angry. Communication is so important when dealing with explosive anger because it forces him to pinpoint why he is reacting that way. Instead of feeling like it's something he can't help, it will allow him to gain control over the feelings he has and learn how to express the feelings constructively. It also helps him to see that he can communicate that the noise is bothering him and people will respond sensitively. Instead of using rage to get the response he wants, he is able to get it by communicating his needs. That's an important life lesson!
One thing that God does with us is he looks at our hearts, not the outside appearance. I think parents have the God-given ability to best discern their child's heart. You know whether your son is just screaming to get his way, or if he really has an emotion that he hasn't learned how to control. Dealing wisely with it by punishing the misbehavior (for example, if he hits his sister in a rage), and then teaching him what was making him angry and talking about what steps he can take next time to avoid letting his rage get that far along...Maybe he's not speaking up early enough about things that bother him, so that they're reaching the boiling point before he ever speaks up. Also, dealing with his sister, if you conclude that she was purposely trying to draw a reaction from him, will help him feel safer.
There is another thing that I read that we could do when a child is turning his rage onto himself by hitting himself. When he starts hitting himself, stop what you're doing and grab him in a bear hug. Tell him that you love him too much to let him hurt himself. I tried this with Aiden when he went through a phase of hitting himself to get my attention. I didn't have much luck with it, but Aiden was only about 2 years old and he was probably too young for it to work the way I wanted it to. He just ended up hitting himself more because he wanted my attention...but your son is old enough to grasp the concept that you love him and won't allow him to hurt himself, and you're wise enough to know if he starts doing it just to get that bear hug--at that point you can tell him just to come get a bear hug from you...no need to hit himself. My 2 year-old couldn't comprehend that...
Your story does make me think of Aiden. He doesn't have siblings, but the dog serves this purpose for him. If she comes anywhere near him while he is eating, he screams in rage. If she tries to run inside the house when he opens the door he'll try to physically hold her in place while screaming "I want Nappy outside!" Even my husband will nitpick at him, tickling him, or teasing him until he blows up. Granted, he is 3 and I know part of that comes with the territory, but I've found that teaching Aiden what words to say when someone is bugging him really helps, such as: "Daddy please stop.". I think for Aiden it is just a matter of him realizing how much power he has through communication. He can tell his dad to stop and he will, (or if not, mom will come to his defense Wink). Now I'm noticing that he'll catch himself before he throws a fit, and with a voice that is trembling with emotion, he'll describe the problem to me.
When I spoke earlier about the different qualities that each unique individual possesses, I meant it. Even these personality traits that are still raw and developing and seem so negative right now in our children can be pruned so that they turn into a person of beauty who glorifies God. I bet Aaron will have an understanding of what it feels like to be frustrated by someone else's actions. This is going to give him a sympathy for others who may find his actions bothering them. He'll be less likely to continue picking, and more likely to respond sensitively to others the way your family has modeled it to him. I love seeing how God uses families to sharpen each other.
~Elsie