What Do You Do About Irrational Preschool Behavior?

Hi Elsie,

We all over analyze, especially with our first child and you definitely are not spoiling him if you help. You are only helping so this won't hamper his development either. Be sure and keep it light, he will recognize mom is helping because she can, not because she has to.

It is easy for us to do it FOR them and this would both spoil and hamper his growth, for example Aaron's fine motor skills did not develop on time. In fact they are still developing. This led to an extremely difficult time learning to tie his shoes. When he was 8 I still spent most of my time "doing it for him" instead of helping him by holding the laces in place while he looped them through. He grew lazy and wanted mom to do it all the time and it prolonged how long it took him to actually learn (he can tie them now) so you want to still expect him to get his clothes on but entertain those times that he has developed a sudden inability to do it himself

Also when you turn your response into a game, like palming the clothes the same way he is, it becomes so much fun for him that he isn't seeing it as you doing it for him anyway, he will more likely think mom has lost her mind and show you how to pick up the shirt the right way

Mikki Hogan
Publisher of UniqueParenting.com

Mikki-I like the comparison to contractions.

And I needed to hear that it is a phase...sometimes it's so hard to tell, when it's your first, whether it's a phase, or something that is going to develop into a real character issue if I keep giving in. That's the hardest part for me. Identifying what he is going to grow out of--so I might as well roll with it...and what is going to turn into a bigger issue down the road (like the candy in our home has). I'm usually not in too much of a hurry to help him, and I like doing it since he's my only child. I just don't want to hamper him from growing up either...and I think so often I over analyze...am I doing this because I lost a child and he's all I have? Am I spoiling him if I help?

I think you've answered those underlying questions for me.

Hi Elsie,

I must say so many kids go through this behavior and as Debra mentioned it is not always motivated by the same thing. Sometimes the preschooler is competing with younger siblings, sometimes they are testing limits, sometimes they are competing with work schedules and sometimes they are checking to see if mom and dad are still there to help. Because we are not mind readers, and they are still learning what drives them, how to respond and how to communicate it these situations can be very trying for us parents.

When our kids went through these types of demonstrations, and sometimes Morgan still does, we would make light of it. We never really felt a need to become serious, even if they were testing their limits because this was such a petty thing. In fact it is common for us to respond more with, "Awe, do you need mommy and daddy to dress you? (in a baby voice)" and then we would dress them with our palms and just really have a ball with it. Sometimes time would not allow this so we would lightly and playfully say, "Well, if you can't dress yourself guess you'll just have to run around naked. Hope nobody comes to visit today."

Regardless of what is motivating them to slip into the "I can't reach" mode it is a competition for your attention. Our kids never seemed to continue this for long, even with our playful response and a couple of them started real mature like asking if I would help them get dressed. I think that is really what it is in most cases. They want mommy and daddy to still help them and I happily comply. All too soon they will refuse your help so lavish this up while you can. Keep it light. Keep it fun, and if you genuinely CAN'T pause to help them with the task then let them know that. Debra shared the situation with her niece, she knows her niece really can turn on the faucet, and she is only seeking attention. They didn't ignore her, and they didn't react firmly or serious, just matter-of-factly "push up."

The same with Aiden, if he can't get dressed, he can't go. This is an excellent way of handling it lightly, not ignoring them and not reacting firmly. This does pass, and I haven't met any parents whose children continued this long after the preschool years. Consider that Aiden may simply want your attention, or perhaps he just wants to know that mommy and daddy will still help him and use that as a marker for how you proceed with each situation. And take them like contractions too, one at a time and when it passes, it is over. Preschoolers are identifying who they are, what their role is, and how much freedom they are comfortable with from mom and dad. Once Aiden becomes more familiar with his new role you will notice this behavior rapidly tapering off.

Mikki Hogan
Publisher of UniqueParenting.com

I have a niece who does the same thing.

Today she came over for lunch. My sister sent her to the restroom after she ate. When she finished, she walked back to the dinning room to tell us that she had finished using the restroom. I asked her if she washed her hands and she said no. She said she could not reach, so I told her to get a stool. While in the bathroom, she called out to me. When I arrived, she looks at me with her hands full of soap and tells me that she cannot reach. As she is telling me this, she reaches the faucet but her soapy fingers slide around and she pretends she cannot open the faucet. I simply tell her to push up and I walk away.

In her case, I know she does it because she has a hard time sharing her attention with her new baby cousin.

In little Aiden's case, I think he is just being a boy trying to see what he can get away with. If you hold your ground consistently, he will get the message.