Transforming the Two's - Dealing with tantrums
My son is 19 months old and he has recently begun to melt down to the ground and whine whenever he does not get his way. He immediately looks at us to see what we are going to do. My husband and I originally opted for ignoring his behavior. We reasoned that our attention would only make it worse. We are careful with our reactions because we want to teach him to stay calm and cool even when he is frustrated, therefore, we try to exhibit that behavior ourselves. But he keeps doing it and we are afraid that our lack of a response is more detrimental than good. We are firm believers that children need and want to be disciplined in order to feel secure. So we are now at a cross-roads. We asked a dear friend of ours whom we admire and whose children are amazing and she told us to pull him up and firmly say "no" while looking in his eyes. She also said to isolate him in his crib for a few minutes after the fact. We are fine with telling him a firm "no" but we've never used isolation to the crib before. We don't think he'll get it. I think he will just cry for two minutes then feel like his crying got him out of there. Our friend also said that if we don't see results within 2 weeks we should consider spanking him.
I guess my questions are:
What are alternative alienation/time out methods for children that young?
and
Do you think this is the right course of action or are there other methods that have worked for you?
Thanks!
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Hi Debra,
I don't think isolation is a good idea for any situation, but certainly not when it is brand new with a young child. I have many mixed feelings about that type of discipline on young children because they really don't understand.
You are on the right track thinking he may not associate the isolation with the tantrum, chances are he won't. When you are dealing with any situation you want the consequences to be directly tied to the behavior as much as possible. Rest assured that ignoring the tantrum does have it's impact if you successfully ignore it every time and also note that he will continue to throw the fit for a while using this method so don't be discouraged.
I do like your friends suggestion on standing him up and telling him no firmly. What you need to be prepared for at this point however is your son fighting to get away from you so he can continue his fit. Your response here needs to be firm and you need to win! When he starts pulling away you restrain him against your body (so he doesn't get hurt pulling away) and you repeat that firm no until he stops. As soon as he stops you let him go and if he wants to run to the couch and pout you let him and ignore him until he comes back. If you happen to be out somewhere take him to the car immediately and let him throw the fit there, less stress on you making it easier to stick to your guns. If you have a cart full of food tell the closest cashier you'll be back in a minute. I've done this thousands of times and my car always waits for me.
This type of approach can be very exhausting if you have a determined 2 year old. I remember when my 13 year old was about your son's age she set her mind to resist everything, including positive encouragement from mom and dad. She is my strong willed child and as such I had to selectively pick my battles and win those I picked. I think that philosophy of selectively picking and winning the ones you pick goes across the board though for any child.
For example it was common for her to throw a fit when she didn't want to get in the car. I would firmly say, "You're getting in the car" and pick her up and put her in the car. She would kick, scream and wail her arms about while I held her tightly against me to the car and buckled her in her car seat. She would continue kicking and trying to pry loose but I would switch to ignore mode. The battle I chose was getting her in the car, I won the battle and now she would have to live with being mad without mom offering any attention at all.
I feel this is how parents should handle temper tantrums. When they hurt you or your child, make them stop even if you have to hold him against your body. When they are in public, pick them up and take him to the car. When it is at home over not getting the teddy, go about your business and return when he stops OR starts doing something that is dangerous. Here's an example:
My 13 year old was throwing a fit beyond any I had seen before over which shoes to wear. This was a battle not worth fighting so I walked out of the room. I checked back periodically from the hall as I always did and on one of my trips she was banging her head on the bed. I entered the room, picked her up into my arms and said firmly, "you will not hurt yourself" and held her there until she stopped fighting. Then I let her loose and she returned to the previous crying and stomping feet so I walked away.
The good news is tantrums do get easier because our children grow accustomed to our response. This also brings a word of caution, choose your game plan and stick to it or YOU will grow accustomed to your child's response. As he gets older you can demand more from him, like teaching him to control his actions. Right now, letting him know that tantrums don't work by ignoring and restraining are a good approach. His maturity is probably not ready to grab self-control beyond that just yet.
Mikki Hogan
Publisher of UniqueParenting.com
Thank you, Mikki.
We tried placing Joa in his crib for a few days as a way to not get our attention and it totally backfired on us. Our son is so smart (and adorable!) that it became a game for him. A couple of days ago he came into the new baby's room where I was sorting laundry and threw himself on the ground with a fake whine. Then he looked at me with a half smile and said "night night?." He proceeded to walk to his room and pull on the crib, as in asking me to put him in. Since that day, he asks to be placed in his crib during play time and thinks its hilarious.
My husband and I have decided that if the tantrum is out of frustration, we will sit with him and talk about it, "you're upset because your block tower fell over. It's ok. Here, let's build another one together...." And we are going to do the firm no when it is out of rebellion or defiance. For example, if he asks to go outside but its hot or raining and I say no.
Hopefully this method will work. When we are out and about, I give him the eyebrow (which he can cleverly imitate). He knows that I mean business and fixes his behavior immediately. He also used the expression "all done" one day referring to his tantrum when I was on my way to come discipline him. So if we are around other people and he starts whining, I'll say "you're all done, Joa. Have a good attitude. You are a good boy." I always make him say "I'm sorry mama" when I discipline him. He's getting it.
Thanks for your encouragement. When you only have one and they are this young, it's hard to sometimes see light at the end of the tunnel. :)
Debra
I just want to say Debra that one thing I see in your approach to disciplining that is going to make any option you choose a success is you and your husbands unity on it. So few parents grasp the concept of discussing expectations and consequences before hand and then working through them. You and your husband are and inspiration to many.
I think it is excellent that you are going to handle Joa's tantrums out of frustration in a manner that will teach him problem solving skills! (Another missing link in discipline I might add. Pointing out what is upsetting him, then showing him a solution is powerful for his anger management later in life! Way to go.