Too young for extended vacations away from Mom and Dad?

Debra-It's really good to know that I'm not the only one who isn't comfortable sending my child off to the IL's. I think it's more difficult since it is the IL's that I'm dealing with, rather than my family. Like you, I'll be leaving this discussion mostly to my husband.

Thank you Elsie for starting this discussion and thanks to all for the advice. I will definitely save this advice for the future.

My in-laws have been mentioning summer stays since before my baby was born. So far, I've laughed it off or ignored it, but I know my day will come. I've often half joked that I'll let my baby spend the night when he is old enough to write me an email every night telling me what he did that day .

At this point, I actually have not intention of EVER letting my children spend the night anywhere. Growing up, I was never allowed to spend the night. My parents opted to host most sleep overs or to pick me up right before bedtime at someone else's house.

Although I may ease up someday, I am sticking to my guns and making no apologies for it. But when its my turn to face the music, I'll probably make my husband do the dirty work for me. After all, it is his mom .

Debra

Hi, Elise, I'm a little late chiming in but wanted to offer my two cents anyway.

As a mother of three boys (ages 7, 4, and nine months), I must say that three years old seems a bit too young to spend two weeks with grandma and grandpa ten hours away. And putting him on a plane alone (if he were my child) would be out of the question!

How well does he know your in-laws? That, of course, makes a huge difference. Has he been to there house before? Is he very comfortable there? Have they been to your house very often?

Up until a couple years ago, we lived in the same town as my in-laws and nine hours' away from my own parents. We would visit my parents close to six times a year, and they visited us about three times a year. My oldest son was very very comfortable with them and in their home. When he was 3 1/2, they came to visit, and he asked if he could go home with them. After thinking and discussing, we said yes. We all agreed before-hand that if he decided he wanted to come home, we would meet half way to pick him up.

He ended up staying a week and did wonderfully. He's seven now, and he and his four year old brother are actually staying with my parents this week. We now live two hours from them and ten hours from my in-laws.

I guess like others have said, the mains thing is... is your little boy ready? Is he comfortable enough with Grandma and Grandpa to enjoy being with them for a week? Are YOU ready? That is equally important, and I don't think you're being over-protective or abnormal in your hesitation.

Three is very young, after all. I wish you the best in your decision!

Sally, Brian, and Danielle-Thank you so much for your perspectives on the situation. It's so easy for me to feel like I'm being selfish for not wanting to send him away. I think I was so worried that I was being selfish, that I didn't even think about the fact that of course Aiden needs to be with his parents. I read your posts to my husband too, so that when the big discussion with them comes, he'll have his reasoning lined up. It's been hard before this because we could only talk about how we felt and we didn't really have a logical argument for why he couldn't leave. But of course it would be devastating if he wanted to come home after a day or two and he was stuck 10 hours away from us. That point made me realize that he's definitely too young, and he likely will always be too young. When they ask to take him skiing (I anticipate it happening when we see them at Thanksgiving), we'll tell them that we'll meet them in WV, but he's not flying alone to MI.

You guys are right. Even if I had two or three kids right now, it wouldn't feel right to send my three year-old away for an extended period of time just to bond with grandparents (especially when they're perfectly able to come see us).

Thank you for the great advice and the encouragement on my mothering skills. If I were a better mother, I probably wouldn't even ask the question because instead of worrying about making my IL's happy, I'd know that the best thing for my son is to be with his parents. Thanks for getting my head on straight and validating my feelings.

Elsie

Hi Elsie,

I am Sally and fairly new to this forum. This is actually my first post. I haven't had a chance to
even introduce myself in the forum yet.

But your post caught my eye and I felt the urge to respond from the perspective of a grandmother who lives
in Illinois with grandchildren both in California, WV and Kansas. I feel I know what your IL may be
feeling.

1. You ask how young is too young? May I tell a personal story of my own that taught me one of my first lessons
in just what a grandmother's place truly is. My granddaughter was two years old. At the time I was living
just across town. She loved her grandma and I was always so excited when she would run to meet me. I did a
lot of traveling then so those greetings were my all.

When I was at home in the across town home she always wanted to come stay with grandma. We usually had lots
of fun on those overnights. But then one of those nights I made a grave mistake in the role of grandmother.

My sweet little grandchild came to me at 10:00 pm and demanded to go home. Well I had on pj's and really
didn't relish packing her in the car and going all the way across town. So I firmly said no.

Needless to say she wasn't happy with me and went to bed mad. After that she would never stay with me again.
A month later she ventured a quick "I want to stay with grandma." And I thought for a second I had been
forgiven. But she quickly followed up with, "You will bring me home if I want to?" I, of course,
said yes without hesitation.

But it wasn't good enough. She just as quickly changed her mind. Sadly I lost those opportunities with
one little decision.

Oh we had many fun times together and still do even though she is now 16:) But I never again got to have
a sleep over.

Between the ages of birth and five years are the most important bonding time with your child. Yes keep the
channels open for grandma and grandpa, but as Brian said in his post, your son comes first.

And if grandma and grandpa hope to have a bond at all, they need to see the importance of that.

2. " Am I too overprotective?" I have always said that mother's intuition comes in some interesting ways.
Always follow your heart and if it doesn't feel right then don't.

3. "How in the world do we compromise..." From what I read in your post you have already offered the
compromise ("meeting in WV to ski") that works for you as a family unit. It is not you that backed out
on that one.

I admire your courage Elsie.

Please accept my condolences for your loss.

From a grandmother's perspective I understand the fear of losing touch with our grandchildren. I have known
many grandparents who have grown enormously in learning to bond from a distance.

When my daughter first moved to California with my grandchildren I was devastated. I thought I would die.
Of course I had all the terrible nightmares of never seeing my grand-babies again. Then I had a friend tell
me lovingly, "Well maybe it's time you started making trips to California."

The light came on and thank God I have as close a bond now as I ever had. Sometimes compromise comes from
those who choose to see outside the box.

You sound like a wonderful mother Elsie, and in the long run you are really doing your IL's a favor by loving your son as much as you do. Cheesy

Thank you for the opportunity to post.

Sally Stoneking
http://www.nature-and-flower-pictures.com

Hi Elsie,

I am sorry to hear about your loss, that can not be an easy thing to deal with.

I have three boys and I would like to give you my opinion of your situation.

“1. How young is too young for extended vacations with us? “ I guess it would depend on the type of activities you are planning, but it is my opinion that the children should go with you on vacation regardless of their age. Unless you meant “without us”. In that case, I would hesitate to send my children on an extended vacation without their parents before they were 14 or 15 or even older depending on the child’s maturity.

“2. Am I too overprotective? I know Chase's death could cloud my judgment, but I also know I need time to heal.” You are absolutely not being too overprotective. I do not believe that Chase’s death is clouding your judgment, though it may be making the emotions more intense, it is not changing them.

“3. How in the world do we compromise when what they want is 1-2 weeks with Aiden all to themselves and I can't even begin to imagine life without him?” You don’t compromise. You need to be respectful and polite when it comes to family, but you don’t need to compromise. When Aiden wakes up, he looks for mommy and daddy. When Aiden gets hurt, he looks for mommy and daddy. At 3, Mommy and Daddy are his world and his security. You can send pictures and videos, write letters, talk on the phone, visit or invite them to visit, but you don’t compromise.

“Is this unheard of?” It is probably not unheard of, but we can’t base our decisions on what we heard of. If my in-laws lived across the street I might consider letting my 3 year old spend the night without either myself or my wife being there, but I doubt it.

“I think this would be an easier decision if I didn't have infertility and hadn't just lost a baby this year.” If you mean that “It would be easier to let Aiden go if I …” then No, I don’t think it would be easier. You are properly taking responsibility for the care and protection of your child. It might be easier to tell the in-laws no if you were not dealing with all the emotional turmoil of the past. I am sure it is not easy to say no to them, especially since they can persuade you and even argue and debate your reasoning with you. But what you should consider is that you have a responsibility to make Aiden happy, not your in-laws. You are right in keeping Aiden with you for now. When balancing between your in-laws happiness and Aiden’s, you correctly choose Aiden, and you should do it without hesitation or apology. I think your in-laws are infinitely more capable of dealing with the disappointment of not having their grandchild visit on his own than Aiden, at three years old, would be of dealing with the traveling and the separation from his parents and his security.

I hope things work out for you and your family and that Aiden gets the opportunity to know Grandma and Grandpa. But for now Aiden needs Mommy and Daddy with him.

Hi Elsie.

I think that I would have to agree with you on this topic. Aiden is definitely too young for 1-2 weeks away from his mother. I don't believe that if you hadn't lost Chase it would make a difference in your attachment towards Aiden though. For every mother, they feel great attachment and affection towards their children and leaving for this long of a time and this far away would not only be extremely hard on you, but it will also affect Aiden. At an older age like you mentioned you were is okay and is less stressful on both the parents and the child.

It is understandable that your IL's want to take Aiden. They want to see him and spend so much time with him, taking him to experience new things but they also should think about the seperation Aiden is going to have to undergo.

Yes, this is a really hard decision to make. But I believe that you should not feel as if you are too overprotective. Since you and your husband both agree that Aiden is too young (especially for a 16 hr flight alone) then you should stand together. Really it is best if young children are with their parents and not seperated for long periods of time. I think you are making the right decision when you feel as if Aiden should not go. There will be other chances for your IL's to see Aiden.. this is just what I think.

-Danielle

Well, you just explained very clearly and rationally why you want Aiden with you and your husband. And it makes perfect sense. Can you use the same explanation with them. He's young, he wakes up at night, needs someone there with him, etc. If you do it calmly and matter of factly it should be perfectly reasonable.

If they over-react to it, that's on them. You can't control how other people feel or behave. You can only take care of you and make sure you don't say anything to intentionally hurt them. Which it sounds like you're doing!

You're the mom and you know what's best for your son. I say book the hotel, all three of you stay there, and you wake up early and have a wonderful holiday with all the family. They'll get over it!