Is there a Right and a Wrong Way for Dating?

I loved reading the thread on this topic. And Danielle, God will honor your obedience to your mom. I was very much like you in my views of dating. I went to the school prom with a group of friends. It was the most fun I've ever had--and it wouldn't have been so much fun if I was just with a boyfriend. I think delaying dating until you are ready to marry is the best way to approach it, because trust me...once you begin a dating relationship with the right person, you'd better be at a point in your life where you can marry quickly! Right now you are learning important relationship and friendship skills with the guys you know from camp. Trust me, they're more fun as friends...and ultimately marriage is just a great friendship. I knew my husband was someone I could be with for the rest of my life because we got along so well. And we're still best friends.

I always viewed dating as a precursor to marriage as well. I've only had 2 serious dating relationships. The first was in college, and I quickly realized that I couldn't marry him, but I had a much harder time breaking things off. This falls into the "bad way of dating". It was my first relationship and I was worried that there would never be another. That was foolish. The biggest thing I learned from that: When you do begin pursuing marriage and dating, and something doesn't seem like it will work. Cut it off. Don't drag something out if your heart is telling you that it's not right. I made the mistake of thinking that just because he was a Christian, it should work. It didn't. I ended up breaking his heart, and that was harder to get over than if I'd had my own heart broken.

The right way to date: When I met my current husband, it was at work, but he belonged to my roomate's Bible study group so I knew we had the same belief system. Knowing that we shared the same worldview was extremely important to me. He was actively looking for a wife (at this time, he'd been out of college for 2 years and I'd been out for 1). As soon as he met me he began asking my roomate about me. Two weeks later we had our first date. I knew right away that he was someone who made me feel comfortable in my skin and someone who I just enjoyed being around. He was upbeat and fun and had a great personality. Our first date I felt like I could have talked to him for hours. He initiated everything at first...phone calls, dates, etc. 8 months later we were engaged. 9 months later we were married. Both of us had our college degrees and we were able to buy a house right away. It's such a blessing when you wait on God's timing.

I can also share my brother's story as an example of not waiting. When he was 18, he'd been dating a girl for 3 months when they found out she was pregnant. Joel (my brother) had to drop out of college and they got married (although they had to face the heart-wrenching decision about whether or not to give up their daughter--they didn't). They moved in with his wife's parents because they couldn't afford a place of their own and at first his father-in-law hated him. We were actually concerned for his life at that point, but the wife wouldn't even consider moving in with my parents. Today, 8 years later they have weathered a lot of storms and are still together, but they're extremely poor. He is still trying to finish his biomedical engineering degree and she is working while their two daughters have to go to daycare, even though she'd prefer to be at home with her kids. Their marriage is intact, but it has been an uphill battle for them. If they'd waited on God's timing and finished out their education, life would be a whole lot easier for them right now. God really does set up limitations because He wants to give us the best life possible.

I believe that things move much more quickly when you're a Christian and you save yourself for marriage. I'm only 29, so it hasn't been that long since my husband and I met and married. I remember people saying that it was impossible to be pure in today's world. I'm here to say that it's not. Being pure physically and mentally is so important and it builds a good foundation for your marriage (you know this, but I'm giving you the perspective of someone who has been there and doesn't regret her decision to wait). I remained pure by reminding myself that it was all a gift for my husband. I truly loved him before I ever knew him. And I trust my husband so much because we waited. I know that he won't just act on any impulse and he'll be faithful to me. God always gives us laws because He wants the best for us, and as a married woman who remained pure (even in this day and age), I can say that that's true. Bringing purity to the marriage bed is the best way to build a strong marriage. But purity isn't just about being physically pure. It's about being emotionally pure, which is why you're so wise to listen to your mom's guidance. Giving your heart to a boy who isn't meant to be your husband is just as dangerous as giving your body away. I think you realize this, but I say it just to remind you that you really are on the right path. I think you've seen in your friends' experiences the kind of heartbreak that comes from dating and breaking up. I used to mentor the youth at our church, and I saw so many wise girls get caught up in the trap of giving their heart away to a boy who was too young to know what to do with that precious gift yet. So save your heart for your husband. Guard it ferociously for his sake! It really is the best way. I've only been married for five years, but all of those lonely nights seem like a distant memory. I remember people telling me that one day I'll hardly remember being single, when I was still single, and I remember thinking that they had just forgotten the angst of wanting to be complete and married. I haven't forgotten. I do know it's hard, but keep up the good fight because you are really on the most fulfilling path.

~Elsie

You are so right, Mikki.

One of the main concerns of people who choose not to date is, "How will I get to know the person?" Group outings give people opportunities to build bonds and get to know one another without the pressure of romantic performance :

I recently had a discussion with someone about this topic. She claimed that the only way to get to know someone was through dating alone. In my disagreeing with her, I reminded her that many guys often put on a facade to impress girls on dates. When you go out in a group, you get to see people for who they really are, with their guard down. Everyone is just having a great time as friends. Once they decide to get closer to one person, I thin kit's between them, God and their parents to decide how to proceed. Understanding your child's strengths and weaknesses is key.

When I dated my husband, he admitted to me that when we kissed, it felt so great to him that he wanted to go on. Because we were saving ourselves for marriage, he would have to stop when things were getting "good." He told me that he would rather not even kiss and start down that road than to have to stop abruptly. Out of respect for his needs, I conceded. I was fine just to kiss good night, but men and women are wired very differently.

If you have a child, like Danielle, who wants to honor God and her mom in everything she does, then you can give her more privileges. If you have a child who always tries to see how close they can get to the line without crossing it, then you need to be more cautious.

Kudos to you, Mikki, for raising a young lady with such grace and maturity. Ten years from now, when this topic will seem funny to her, she will appreciate your guidance. When she sees people who did not choose right living out their consequences while she lives blessed, she will thank you.

Debra these are very wise suggestions. In our home I don't support teen dating in the same light as most parents. I agree that "dating" is a form of courtship and should occur when we are mature enough to consider marriage. There are so many pressures on our teens today in their relationships and many regrets. I have always taught my children that the teen years are the time to focus on their future goals, not boyfriends or girlfriends.

I do however support the idea of allowing teens to participate in a group date. I have talked to Danielle about the reality that having a boyfriend or girlfriend is a huge distraction from the more important areas of life but that teens do need to know how to behave around each other. Group dates give this opportunity and they take the pressures off teens an their relationships. Parents need to be actively involved with their children as they mature to the interest level of having boyfriends and girlfriends. God needs to be the main focus on their lives and relationships come secondary. Without a strong relationship with God it is extremely difficult to have a strong relationship with others.

It will help parents if they take part in their teenagers interest to have a boyfriend or girlfriend and not just deny the relationship or allow it without overseeing what is going on. The attraction is very natural and it is our responsibility to teach our kids how to appropriately handle it.

Mikki Hogan
Publisher of UniqueParenting.com

Thanks for the reply Debra. Smiley

I must say that your post really made me smile. You were right about putting your trust in God and trusting him to give to you what you wanted when you were ready for it. I guess in my case I've never really had much of a problem with dating. I will admit ..that I have had a few crushes before and I thought that it was quite important that I be everything for them. And you know in my youthful ignorance I thought I was in love. But it only took me, thankfully, about a few weeks for me to realize that this really wasn't important now. Luckily, I have my amazing mother who indirectly taught me that boys were not an important part of your life while we are young. I guess I just always knew.. she never had to tell me. Lucky her, right? Tongue

Well, really I am just so thankful that I have the mother that I do because I look at some of my friends and see the pain their dating relationships always seem to cause them. And I know that what your parents teach you really makes the difference. But what you said about trusting God and waiting for him to give the right things to you in his time is extremely true. I never really had a thing for guys. Guys were my best friends and meant the world to me. I looked up to them as brothers and could never imagine it any other way. And that is the way things should be. I've gone to camp for several years now and that's one of the things that I have learned by going to all of my church activities. Especially the teen and young adult group activities. They showed me that we are bothers and sisters and that if we go through life the right way and are not lusting for our brothers God will bless us with an amazing guy. And I'm glad to say that I have done that.. and I am still very young. But I have very good "brothers" in my life and I have met someone that is a Christian himself and is extremely respectable. I know where my head and heart should be, and I've kept them with the will of my mom and all of her wishes and abiding by the laws of God. And.. I think he is blessing me for that.

(Plus, I think that being open with my mom is extremely important. I know that she needs to know what is going on in my life especially in topics like this one because she can also help me handle it positively.)

Danielle,

You are such a sweet girl. You are so wise to seek out advice from people who have been down this road. It is so important to learn from other people's experiences because life is too short (and precious) to experience it all yourself.

I've been married for only 4 years so, I was in the "dating world" not too long ago. Like you say in your email, one day you're in love, the next day you hate each other. Dating really prepares you for divorce, not marriage. In a marriage, you work things out no matter what. When you are dating, you break up whenever things get hard.

I dated a lot. I lost a lot of myself. Oh how I wish I had the time back. If I had it to do over, I would focus on school, family, and my friends. I would have had a great time getting to know all of my friends. Then, when the time was right, I would have asked God to help me make a good decision.

I finally met my amazing husband when I put all my trust in God. I decided to stop dating until I was ready for marriage. I became convinced that dating was a pre-marital activity and if I wasn't ready to be married, then I should not have been dating yet. I focused my time on making myself the type of woman that a good man would want to marry. I got two degrees and a dream job. When I was ready, God honored me by sending me a husband who is committed to me and loves me for who I am. He had a degree, a job, and a house.

God bless you as you make choices in this area. From the posts that I have read, you are a brilliant young lady. I hope you know that. I also hope you decide to follow your God-given passion. Let me know what's on you mind, I'd love to to talk some more with you.