Unmasking the Dating Myth

Fatherless homes leave behind an unpleasant trail of tragic conditions. 63% of youth suicide, 90% of homeless and runaway children, 71% of high school drop outs, 85% of youth in prison, and 85% of children with behavior disorders come from fatherless homes. A survey found that even in two-parent homes less than 25% of children spend one hour a day interacting with their fathers.*

It is undeniable that men have an enormous role in the future of our nation. Yet, little is being done to educate young men about the responsibility of being a father. Our young people learn from the example of their own parents and from their experiences in mainstream teen dating.

The School of Teen-Dating

You've heard people say, "How else will they get to meet others?" or "Sometimes you have bad dating experiences, but you learn so much from them." Perhaps you have uttered these very statements yourself. Let's take a look at what it is dating really teaches. Considering that the average relationship lasts less than a few months, it is no surprise that teens barely learn anything about true friendship.

Lesson 1 – The Façade

In order to attract a mate and keep them, young people try to impress each other. This involves lying about themselves or becoming something that they are not. Partners are chosen based on social status, looks, and other superficial factors. It is not uncommon for a person to ignore awful traits in a mate and begin a relationship based on what they wish the person was instead; telling themselves that they will help the person change. Choosing a mate is a quick process that does not require a lot of thought. Relationships instantly grow into full bloom; there is no need to get to know each other.

The Truth…

One of the three most important decisions a person makes in their life is choosing their mate. With the mindset that it is a lifetime decision, a mate should be carefully and prayerfully chosen based on principles such as values, character, and beliefs about life or family. Young people should get to know each other in friendships not relationships in order to discover the real person and not fall for the façade. Friendships help you to get to know your mate before they become your mate. Dating teaches to choose a mate then try to get to know them.

Lesson 2 – The Game

The dating game involves a fair amount of manipulation. People try to secure their place by employing disrespectful tactics such as mind games, jealousy, and physical contact. Cheating is a widely used method to get a partner's attention or to let the partner know who is in charge. It is a way to belittle the other person. Young teens reason that cheating is acceptable because as long as they are not "married," they do not owe fidelity to each other. The person being cheated on either accepts to be cheated on or cheats back.

The game is where physical contact begins to occur. Young ladies get bombarded with the idea that they must prove their love by engaging physically with their boyfriends. In today's dating scene, physical contact begins early and moves quickly from hand holding to intercourse. Young people are beaten up with guilt and peer pressure if they choose to refrain from engaging physically.

The Truth…

The building blocks of a great relationship are trust, respect and forgiveness. On the contrary, lies and manipulation spell disaster. Instead of learning to build up and protect their mates, young men are mastering how to tear them down. Young ladies are learning to devalue themselves by giving up their minds, hearts, and bodies. Even when young teens are not engaged in physical interaction, becoming consumed by a relationship can cause lasting emotional damage.

Lesson 3 – The Test

Everyone knows that relationships are tested, but how does dating equip young people for problem solving? It doesn't. When trouble arises young people turn to fighting, yelling, and cursing. It is not uncommon for a break up to occur over an insignificant argument, even if temporary. These temporary break ups are also lessons in learning to manipulate. Partners learn that they can threaten a break up in order to get their way.

The Truth…

In a mature relationship both parties need to understand that things are not always going to go well and disagreements are bound to happen. Living in harmony takes a lot of skill. Whether it is to agree to disagree or to give each other time to cool down before sitting down to discuss the issue, it takes a great deal of maturity. It is important for parents to model and teach their children appropriate communication skills. Even more essential is for kids to practice these skills with their peers.

Lesson 4 – The Break-up

In teen-dating you learn that boredom is acceptable grounds for breaking up. No longer feeling the "spark" is also a legitimate reason to end the relationship. Sounds awfully similar to divorce, doesn't it? The practice of breaking up when things are tough and moving on to a different relationship is absolutely a dress rehearsal for divorce. Current trends, promoted mainly by the media, push teens to believe that it is "me" first. If there is nothing for "me" to gain, then it's time to move on. Nowadays it has even become part of the game to see who will break up first. How much pain they cause their partner counts for extra points. Young people are perfecting the art of breaking hearts.

The Truth…

There must be a resolve that no matter what comes your way, you will work through it. Feelings can be deceiving. People should not always follow the desires of their heart because people seldom want or even know what is best for them. Like the young couple who ripped the word 'divorce' out of their dictionary shortly after their wedding as a symbol of their commitment. They said they would be happy together or miserable together, but they would always be together. More than twenty five years later, they haven't always 'felt' a spark, but they are still together and happier than ever. Their success is not attributed to the absence of disappointment, but to the presence of faith.

Lesson 5 – The Aftermath

Broken relationships leave behind broken hearts. Young ladies, especially, begin to wonder what is wrong with them for not being able to maintain a relationship. This can lead to low self-esteem, loss of dignity, eating disorders, depression, hatred, thoughts of suicide, etc. It can also lead to jumping into another relationship even more quickly just to fill the void. Some young people become bitter and turn their back on love. What an awful lesson to learn!

The Truth…

Young people need to realize that expecting a mate to meet all their needs is unrealistic. No man or woman, only our Creator, can meet all our needs. It is tragic for anyone to lose hope and give up on love. When we allow the Creator to make us whole then lead us to the right mate that we are to share our lives with, it is an amazing adventure.

Homes without fathers are not simply the result of irresponsible men. They are the product of failed relationships where innocent children pay the price for both of their parents' mistakes. As a culture, we need to stop casting our young people into the dating game hoping that they will learn the skills necessary for successful relationships. During adolescence, relationship building skills are acquired through meaningful and healthy friendships. Don't settle for the lessons that the dating game has to offer. Choose to pursue God's best for your children's lives.

*Sources: Why Guys Need God by Mike Erre, www.fathers.com, www.fatherhood.org, and The Secrets Men Keep by Stephen Arterburn