Will A Permissive Parenting Style Really Give You What You're Looking For?

Permissive parents place high value in being their child's friend. It is important to them to be loved and liked by their child. Their goal is to influence their child more as a fun peer than as a parent. Permissive parents avoid conflict at all costs. To them, it is easier to give in to the child's wants than to have a battle of the wills.

In order to get a child to comply with an order, they often resort to bribery or manipulation. In the case of young children, you may hear a parent say, "If you stop crying, I'll give you a popsicle." An older child may be promised a new video game for obeying the parent. In both cases, the parent is simply working on immediate compliance rather than behavior modification. The child may comply, but the parent will be pulled into a cycle of bribery in order to get the child to continue to behave. The child is missing a much important lesson in understanding why some behaviors are unacceptable.

Permissive parents allow their children to make their own decisions, even if they are not developmentally ready to make them. For example, a 6 year old child cannot determine what foods are most nutritious for him. The same way a 12 year old adolescent does not have enough knowledge of the world or of her own body to decide whether drinking is an appropriate thing to do. They will most likely make these decisions based solely on their desires and not on what is best for them. Even if they make bad decisions, though, permissive parents are supportive. To them, it is better for children to learn from their mistakes then to battle with them.

Commom Misconceptions:

• "My child will love me more."
• "My child will be unhappy if I deny him/her something."
• "My child suffers when I discipline him/her."
• "I had a miserable childhood experience in a very strict home. I want to do the exact opposite with my children."

Children of permissive parents quickly become aware of their parents' vulnerability. Understanding their parents' desire for approval, they may take advantage of their emotional struggle to manipulate situations. They may cry and say, "I hate you!" if the parent ever says no. They will do whatever they want because they know that there will be no consequences.

Effects on children

Short term effects

• Behavior problems - The permissive parenting style is like putting a band-aid on the problem. Because the root of the problem is never addressed for fear of conflict, many small problems will continue to arise. These children will end up having many problems at school when faced with rules.
• Unappreciative - Due to the amount of bribing involved in this style, children lose appreciation for things. They begin to believe that things are owed to them and not earned.
• Irresponsible - Children are not responsible for their actions and lack an understanding of the connection between actions and consequences.

Long Term Effects

• Resentment toward parents for not setting clear boundaries. Especially if the child ends up with an addiction, disease, or problems with the law, they will resent the parent for being more concerned with being a friend than with preparing them for life.
• The child will be unable to set boundaries and regulate their own behavior. The child will always need an outside stimulus for discipline and will lack intrinsic motivation.
• The child will suffer from low self esteem. The family will lack a sense of unity. Children can interpret the parents' lax nature as being uninterested in their lives, which will make them feel unimportant and unloved.
• Problems with authority in the classroom, the workplace and even the community. Children need to learn the importance of respecting all authority.

Where Do You Go Form Here?

If you can identify with this parenting style, but you are ready to make a change, begin by setting clear expectations for behavior. Clear rules and consistent consequences will help establish the boundaries that children need in order to grow into healthy adults. Remind yourself that you are doing what is in your child's best interest. As you watch them thrive, your guilt will become a thing of the past.