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My daughter thinks she is ready for dating but I'm not so sure
Hello,
My daughter just turned 16 and for some reason she seems to think this is the magic age for dating! Most of my friends tell me I am being overprotective in not wanting her to date, but I'm just not sure she is ready to handle that level of responsibility.
She is a smart girl, knows right from wrong and all that. She has never been one to overly test limits or get into trouble at school, but she certainly puts a lot of emphasis on her friends approval. Maybe I'm being unfair to say this, but I can't help but worry this will have a devastating impact on her relationship with a boy.
I have said no to dating and my circle of friends strongly disapprove of this. They like to remind me that their daughters have had boyfriends since 14 and they are just fine, but I see their daughters focused on these boys way more than a young lady should be. Not that I am old fashioned, but girls and boys alike really shouldn't be so involved with romancing each other while they need to be focusing on finishing school.
To further complicate things all her friends have boyfriends or girlfriends and she adds this to the argument of why she should be allowed to date. Honestly I am tired of hearing all the promises of how she won't kiss him, won't break any rules, won't give in to any bad stuff, and my all time worst - don't you trust me?
It really isn't about trust here and she doesn't understand that. And I don't want promises either. I don't think she is mature enough for that level of a relationship and I honestly don't think any teenager needs to be that involved with the opposite sex, even if they aren't sexually active.
Am I being unfair here? I mean, should I let down my guard and just let her date? Any of you other parents gone or going through this right now? Sure could use some help.
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Hi Sheri,
I completely understand having the 16 year old who is suddenly ready for dating, contrary to what mom and dad have to say. The challenge is for the parents to be firm, but fair.
Your reasons for not allowing your daughter to date are all VERY reasonable. You know your daughter better than any of your friends and you are the only one who should make the decision as to whether or not she is allowed to date. Today, so many teens "expect" to have a boyfriend or girlfriend as young as 10 years of age. The pressure is on at school, in the media and with all their friends. But forever, a parent knows what is best for their children.
In my opinion you are not being over protective. Establishing dating rules is a must for each parent, and it will be different for them as well. Helping your daughter understand why she can't date will prove to be a struggle for a while. I like to constantly remind myself that teenagers are young adults learning how to respond to the world around them. And like all humans are tempted by what makes them feel good. Unfortunately, teens often put the "feeling" before "logical thinking."
Give it time, and your daughter will begin to understand. Another beautiful thing about teens is they are maturing into adults. They are thinking about their lives more and CAN handle larger tasks of understanding.
When you believe your daughter is ready to date, sit down and talk with her. Be sure to outline the rules up front, and the consequences. As a teen they no longer need second chances. They are mature enough to know the consequences and accept responsibility for their actions, without guilt on the parent.
My preferred method of dating for teens is group dating. I know that doesn't always work out easily for parents, but it is the ideal way to remove pressures on our kids and eliminate the need to "impress" the boyfriend. I also recommend phone conversations take place in the open, not behind closed doors. When our kids are in the presence of parents, they aren't as tempted to "explore" questionable interactions.
Always remember you know best for your child, not your friends, or anyone else. Her dating should take place when you decide it is right, and under your guidelines. As parents of teens we need to step up a bit and be sure that we are there to teach them how to respond to new, adult situations. It's part of the job, and they will thank you for it.
Thank you for sharing, and keep us posted. I have been through two teens dating and now on my third, my daughter, so I know exactly what you are going through right now.
Mikki Hogan
Publisher of UniqueParenting.com
Okay, so I stuck to my guns, but I recently found out she has been dating the guy anyway, behind my back. I thought I would give it a go since she came clean on her own only to find out this guy is really bad news! I mean really.
She of course is blind to the world even though he is mouthy to her when he doesn't get her way. I told her she can't date him but she insists and of course continues without permission. What am I supposed to do?
We have started arguing every day over this and I am out of ideas. She is head strong and I think I am losing this battle. Please help!
Sheri, the old saying love is blind seems to fit here. I am so sorry to hear you are going through this. Here's what you can try,
When she is talking about this guy and the stuff he does that is stupid ask her questions like whether or not she really wants to put up with this kind of behavior? Ask her if anyone else was behaving this way if she would tolerate it and if she says know tell her perhaps she should consider why she is tolerating it from this guy.
This stuff is so tricky to handle but what you want to try and aim for here is get her thinking. Guide her in a manner that will get her asking herself questions about the situation and really seeing it for what it is. Unfortunately you are mom and the harder you try to tell her what's wrong the less likely she is to accept it.
On the other hand if she starts questioning the behavior based on her own thoughts and expectations then you have something. Hope this helps and let us know how it's going.