Motivation - parenting and your child

Good to see you in the forum and thank you for taking the time to post.

I have a total of 8 children, 4 step and 4 whole. My step daughter lives with her mother and is 16yrs. My three stepsons are now adults; twins at 25 and the oldest at 27. One of the twins still lives at home since his injury in a car wreck prevents him from really moving up in the work force enough to self-sustain financially.

The four youngest are all still home; daughter at 17, daughter at 14, son at 11 and another daughter 9. My oldest just graduated high school and the remaining three are still pushing through. All four of them are (were) homeschooled.

When it comes to motivating my children I approach it differently depending on the child and the need. For example, across the board, if it is something my children wants - i.e. drivers license, job, new clothes, new toy, etc. I do nothing to motivate them but rather make it very clear that if they want it they need to make it happen. I will assist them in knowing how but will not push them to proceed. It's their desire, that's consistently been enough for all of my children.

When it comes to things like chores I have found, especially with boys, that the chores need to be done immediately after breakfast BEFORE ANYTHING else is done. For my 11 yr old he is pretty motivated since he wants to go outside and play or get on games. My 9yr old desires free time with her puppy, older girls wanting the pc and so on.

I do not tell my kids that they need to complete their chores or schooling so they CAN play, rather that they DON'T play until it's done. There are days my boy will sit on the living room floor with his face buried in the floor, but again, HE WANTS to play those games so self motivation comes in.

I think a big mistake many parents make is "trying to create motivation." Frankly this seldom works. Of course you will have the easy child that this works for, but out of 8 children I only have 1 easy child. By placing responsibility BEFORE ANY pleasure, the children are motivated by themselves to get the job done and do get it done right BECAUSE I do check, and I do make them do it over it it's not.

On the contrary, there are days I am just too tired, feeling ill, or in bed with my chronic pain. On these days my children, like all other children, take full advantage of the opportunities to just do what they want rather than what they should. For example my son will eat breakfast and head straight to the games. He plays all day, the chores are left undone and he feels pretty good about himself. BUT naturally since he skipped his responsibilities they have simply doubled on him and now that mom feels better he has double (or tripple) the work to do before any pleasure, even if it takes him more than one day to finish. Yes I have watched my boy sit in the middle of the room doing nothing because he wants to play, not work for as long as 3 days.

Here is where many parents come in trying to force the kid to comply...I challenge you not to. Every child has something they will start to miss and will quickly catch on that the faster they finish their job the faster they get what they want. There's no need for us parents to stand over them reminding them of their job, as young as 8 years will remember what their job is (of course for the younger ones you should kindly remind them of the need to finish the job before they play - kindly, working is a natural part of life, not a burden so don't make it one)

There is a word of caution here, there are things that simply need to be done now, no exceptions. So when considering your role in "motivating" your child really determine if this needs to be done. For example if your child's job is to clean the room, it can sit as long as he chooses. Same for the garbage, even dishes (in my house the one refusing to do the chore doesn't have mom cleaning them a bowl at breakfast). If your child has a job outside of the home and isn't motivated to get up and go then naturally they will lose that job, again, their consequence for their actions.

If on the other hand you need to head out for church services at 12pm and your child refuses to get ready this is affecting the whole family and needs to be done. I feel very strongly on the fact that we have no right imposing on the needs of others and inconveniencing them. You also don't want your child to learn that when they don't want to go somewhere they can pout just long enough. In our home if they don't get ready they are carried to the car, regardless if they are still in their pj's. Their clothes are tossed in the car and off we go.

A couple of times of arriving at church in their pj's is all it has ever taken. (if needed I'm sure you could borrow a strong friend or neighbor for a second ;)

It is in my opinion that by allowing my children to be self motivated they are building far more confidence in their ability to live in this world on their own than any other way of handling it. They learn that their actions lead to specific consequences, good or bad, not the actions of those around them. And they look back feeling more accomplished at the completed tasks, knowing THEY did that.

Hope this helps and motivates others to share as well. Good luck with your research!

Mikki