Including Children In Parental Decisions; Does It Build Better Character?

A new parenting method that has become mainstream as it swarmed our culture is one that promotes a philosophy of including children in traditional parental tasks. Parents have developed an approach that allows child participation in every aspect of parenting. They want thier children involved in decision making and rule setting. They want their children to feel like a part of the family development and gain a sense of independence. They want to allow their children to feel empowered in the family and community around them.

The Problem With This Approach

As a result of this strategy a growing number of kids are stringing their parents along to meet whatever desire they seek. They know their parents are striving for inclusion and will use that over and over again to manipulate their parents to give in to something they may otherwise not agree to. We are giving our children a false impression of how our world works and removing recognizable roles that need to exist. In turn this sets our children up for unrealistic expectations in society and continual frustration and disappointment.

A closer look; what does it mean?

As more parents utilize this method of parenting it is becoming more obvious that the adults are no longer guiding their children. Instead children are in control of the relationship and directing the parents in a manner that best suits their desires and maturity. Children are empowered when they shouldn't be and misdirected too easily for lack of parental control. As these children grow into young adults they face frustrations in the work force and surrounding community. They develop a distorted view of relationships and often develop difficulties in making appropriate decisions independently.

What this doesn't mean:

Our culture encourages an approach that includes children as a means to build a positive relationship between parent and child while teaching them to be independent. The claim is that your children will develop a sense of confidence and respect for you as the parent. In reality what occurs is quite opposite. Children tend to lose respect for their parents. When parents constantly ask the child's opinion we are telling that child that we "need" their input to make a decision.

This certainly does not help them feel more confident in their abilities to make decisions. Often kids will feel a sense of overwhelm and concern for the outcome of their choices. They will strive to pick choices that will please others around them to help relieve these fears leading to an inability to make positive decisions independently.

This approach does not lead to a more positive relationship. The short term results can be misleading as parents begin including children in the decision making process. Kids will seem more interested in communicating with their parents and sharing ideas, however over time children can feel resentment towards a parent for not showing the strength and discipline kids need to see in their role models. They will lose trust in the parents ability to know what is best and rely on their own knowledge to make those determinations.

The Change To Family And Our Children's Character.

I have watched this scenario develop in my friends homes, the schools, the neighborhood, and at times unfortunately in my own home. I have witnessed the changes in my own children and those close to me as we parents became entangled in this all too popular trend of "including children." Fortunately I recognized the harm that I was bringing to my children's character and set a determined goal to fix it.

A rough road? Very. A rewarding endeavor? Definitely.

My Own Experience

Five years ago there was a definite line between parent and child in our home. We both understood the boundaries and the responsibilities. Theirs; to grow, learn, obey the rules, break the rules, accept the consequences, and just be kids. Ours; to teach, set the rules, define the rules, enforce the rules, and just be the parents.

Though this was a definite line we by no means had an unfriendly relationship. We played in the backyard. We wrestled in the living room. We made huge baking messes in the kitchen. We designed and constructed a landscaped side yard. We laughed. We argued. We made amends and laughed again. The kids did their chores, school work, and helped out when asked with little argument and promptly.

At their play and at their work they were children. When things got out of hand we were the parents and intervened. As with all kids they would protest, but only once. The final say was ours because we were the parents and they respected that.

Four years ago it occurred to me that we should not have such a defined line between the parent and the child. Perhaps I should include them more in making the rules. It was highly recommended that they get to help establish their punishment so they feel a sense of independence and responsibility. Well I want that. It was highly recommended that they be included in the decision making process, especially the big ones. There was so much pressure around me in society, schools, and media for including the children that I began to doubt my way of parenting. I began to question how I was raising my kids and grew concerned that perhaps I was encouraging the wrong way of thinking.

I decided to change some things. It started with my answers to the kids requests. They would ask to do something that I felt was not the best idea so I said no. Previously I would stop there and they would accept my no, without question. Since I was including the children I decided they should "understand" why mom said no and I began the process of explaining myself to them.

A Disaster In The Making

Over the course of that year I found myself explaining everything I said to my children and I was praised by everyone around me. The kids "understood" what motivated me and I was upholding our family values. This is great! I decided it was a good idea to start including the children in some of the decision making too. This would give them a sense of independence in the family and help them to gain some responsibility. They took to this like water and everyone was proud.

During the next two years I continued in this way of thinking. I was sure to explain myself every time I made a decision. The kids were allowed to share in decisions about the house. They had the opportunity to help establish their punishment and so on. Then something happened that I wasn't prepared for.

Chaos And Separation

Not only did the children have a sense of independence, they gained a sense of empowerment. They started behaving as if they were my equal. If they didn't agree it was perfectly acceptable for them to argue back, continually without backing down. They refused to do their chores. They began to fight more between themselves and withdraw to separate areas of the house. Our family wasn't a family anymore. We simply were a group of people living under one roof with no boundaries as to each individuals role.

My children came to expect things instead of request them. They lost their appreciation of gifts and time together. They became competitive for our time and permission. It was as if they had lost all sense of "others" in the family and cared for only themselves. They had lost the natural respect for the house rules, siblings desires, and even the parents. What was worse was the realization that I had caused this to happen. This was happening because I was including the children in parental responsibilities that they were not ready to take on.

My Responsibility In The Decline Of Our Family Unit

There was no doubt in my mind that my children's character had become so self-centered because of the role I had taken as the parent. I tried to strengthen their confidence and independence by including their ideas. What I accomplished was placing unprepared hearts into a position of power and responsibility.

To their defense they did with it what they knew how to do. They took the knowledge they had in their premature years and applied that to their new position of power. Their values shifted. Their affection towards others shifted. Their respect towards authority diminished and their boldness to push limits and break rules became dangerous.

I had allowed the pressures of including children to cause me to question my own judgment as a parent. I had allowed an outside source to depict what method of parenting should occur under my roof. By doing this I weakened my children's value system and caused them to question the beliefs they had instilled since birth. Correcting this damage has been my greatest challenge.

Reversing The Damage

This past year has been a process of reversing how often I explain myself. If the explanation will help to develop positive thinking I will give the explanation, otherwise it just is. In reality that is the way of our world and we should teach our children accordingly. Sometimes things just are regardless of whether or not we understand it. We simply have to accept it and respect it. When we forget this crucial fact and give our children the misconception of the ability to have everything explained to them we are setting them up for constant frustration.

The house rules are set by the parents, not the children. Same for the punishment when those rules are broken. Here again when parents place emphasis on the children's desires in these two elements of the family they are only causing pain and frustration. The immediate consequence is the children's lack of maturity to handle such responsibility. The long term consequence is that your children will come to expect the right to argue rules and punishments. Why should we encourage our children to behave in a manner that will not be tolerated when they mainstream into the adult world?

I have witnessed the decline in my children as I attempted to include them as an equal in our family and my heart grew heavy as I watched. I see close friends placing huge decisions on children that are not mature enough to contemplate the long term consequences and then turn around and remind their child that they were the one who chose to do it when the consequences are painful. As a whole in our society including children has grown more predominant. I watch children argue with their parents in front of anyone and anywhere while the parents cower and negotiate the child into peaceful actions. The line between parent and child has rapidly disappeared and its affect on the family is devastating.

Appropriate Child Participation In Family Matters

Parents need to evaluate the roles within the family. The adults need to be the ones in charge and the children need to know that. We need to teach our children that there is a difference between a parent and a child within the family. In turn this will teach them that there is a difference between them and all those of higher authority in their adult life. This line needs to be established and maintained consistently throughout life.

It is equally important to provide age appropriate explanations for some rules as a means to help your child begin to recognize the positive uses of rules in their lives. These are not discussions about the rules but an opportunity to teach and prepare our children. Under no circumstance should a child be offered the choice of their punishment. There is no learning opportunity in allowing that. You will only accomplish unachievable expectations for your child.

As we strive to rebuild our families we need to remember the joy of being together as well. The best way of including children is by the natural relationships between a parent and a child. Take a vote on family fun activities. Make mud pies in the rain. Bake a home made pizza and dive into a bottle of soda together. Laugh together. Play together. Be together. Do all these things with definite family roles between a parent and a child.