How Do You Handle Stalling techniques?

Mikki-that is so true. I saw way too many parents when I taught grades 6-8 who couldn't control their children. As you said, when they are little, the things they want to do aren't as damaging in the long run as the choices they make as teens. I've seen a lot of awful stuff happen to middle school kids who liked to flirt with danger. A strong foundation is so important!

Thursday's nap went even better than the other two days. No spankings were required, he responded to my touch on his shoulder and went up to bed. That took what? 3 days? Smiley Nice! Not that I don't expect him to continue the fight at times, but consistency has been the key for us. Before I had a plan of action, he kept pushing because he wasn't sure what I would do. Now that the lines are drawn firmly, he's figuring out where he needs to just stop and obey.

~Elsie

Elsie, I'm am glad to have an update on your progress. I know these are some of the most trying times for parents as we plant our feet and aim to persevere with our children. As trying (and unpleasant) as it is now the end result is worth the effort. Our children are only small enough for us parents to successfully make them comply and if we don't do it now, showing them that they are expected to obey, because we said so, then we have very little chance at succeeding later in their life when they really don't want to do what they are told - and usually those later years breaking rules often leads to much greater consequences than a toddler not wanting his nap! Embarrassed

I can tell you from experience that it is quite the awkward situation when your teenage son, who towers over you by 5 inches smiles and says, "make me." Shocked Thankfully I have never had a son who was serious, but our grown boys remember the young years (and often laugh about the times when "dad picked me up and put me in the tub, "I'd like to see him to that now.") As teenagers our boys would poke fun at us parents because they knew we could no longer make them, but because we were diligent when they were small it carved in their minds and hearts that they were expected to obey and so they did. Don't get me wrong, I have had a serious challenge or two, and I would walk over and try to stand them up, which always made us both crack up laughing and they would comply because I had tried so hard, they had to be nice Grin

It is better to consistently follow through now why you have the ability to physically step in when it is necessary, when the teen years come you don't have the option as readily and teens are much braver than little ones. It will always amaze me to see parents waiting until their children are 12 to start "making" them listen and remain baffled over their struggles. For 12 years the kids always won because they were cute, or too young to comply??? The sad end result is greater, more unpleasant discipline battles than you will ever face in the early years.

Keep up your focus and please let us know!

Mikki Hogan
Publisher of UniqueParenting.com

I just wanted to update you all on our progress. It's still a battle, but I now have a gameplan for it, and that makes a world of difference. He's started trying to hid behind the curtains when I tell him its naptime (he's becoming more blatant about the fight since I've drawn the battle lines). I just walk over (trying very hard not to crack up laughing at the curtains which are pulled together at the bottom as he holds them in front of his face), take his shoulders and gently lead him like Mikki suggested. For three days running he has jerked away from me, at which point he gets a spanking, and I tell him that he can't pull away from mommy. Yesterday he did it again immediately after the first spanking and got a second spanking. Then he cooperated. So it works, and I know from previous experience that as long as I stay consistent with the methods I'm using he'll stop fighting it. Spankings aren't fun for anyone!

On Tuesday on the way to school he said, "I go to school and then I go ni-nights?" When I replied in the affirmative he said, "I going be good boy. I not cry at ni-nights". And sure enough he didn't have a meltdown in the middle of the parking lot after school. However, he did hide behind the curtains and needed a spanking for pulling away. But we're getting there. I'll keep you updated

~Elsie

Mikki-thank you for your advice. Thankfully I learned a lot about passive-aggressive behavior while I was teaching middle school, otherwise I doubt I would have pinpointed his behavior as something that needed to be dealt with. I'm thankful for the equipping I received those 3 years! I will try gently leading him to his room. It's funny that you mentioned the pulling away, because that is something that Aiden definitely does, and I don't remember stepping in with a spanking. But it seems obvious that that is needed at that point. Most recently he's been starting in with the argument that he doesn't want a nap the second we leave his preschool room. And he gets worse and worse. The other day we were crossing the parking lot and he decided to just sit down on the pavement in the middle of the street b/c he didn't want to go. While it is a Christian school and I doubt anyone would report me for child abuse if I were to spank him for such dangerous behavior, I don't like to spank in public because you just never know. (I had a friend who was reported to the police for changing her infant's diaper in her car in a parking lot--the police showed up and pretty much laughed at the lady who had done the reporting, but still...you just don't know).

It's also nice to hear your experience with Morgan and her attitude being effected by how she is feeling. Aiden is very quick to want to make everyone else miserable if he isn't happy, and we're working on that. A good example took place over vacation when we took him to an aquarium. We were almost done when he announced, "I don't like fish! I don't like sharks! I hungry and I want to eat!" So we left the group and went to eat, but he's nearing the age when he can learn to behave appropriately even if he is hungry, or thirsty, or tired. So that is something we will continue to work on with him.

~Elsie

Hi Elsie,

Have I ever dealt with this, and still do  .  My son Aaron decided to start the stalling techniques around the age of 8.  This is primarily due to the fact that he never thought beyond the immediate second up til this point and he was pretty much on a one mood ride, which was always pleasant and cooperative.  Then he discovered that there was such a thing as testing mom, in exactly the same manner you describe Aiden doing.

At first I found myself baffled because it was so unlike Aaron to do something out of the ordinary and then I was actually pleased to see him "defy" me a bit, being the 6th child in the house I was always concerned that he didn't test things prior to this.  Also being the 6th kid I had adapted a process of picking my battles.  Now in more common terms this means parents would ignore the behavior and just let it be, I don't agree with that at all.  You are right, this is a form of defiance and he wants to see if he can get away with it.  This will grow into bigger tests and you want him to know that mom is in charge, even though he will continue to try.

For me, picking my battles means putting things into an order of priority and then determining how much energy I have to devote to stopping this behavior  Since this is such a passive defiance it landed right there with the "little energy" allotment.  I started by showing my dissatisfaction through my body language.  For Aaron this was very affective because he is always very aware of things around him and at that time didn't like to feel uncomfortable.  Although this would shorten the episodes it didn't seem to discourage them from happening

I decided to increase the energy a notch and it seems to be growing more affective as we go.  At first when he was told to go to his room he would shuffle his feet in microscopic baby steps so I would walk over and take him by the shoulders and lead him at a normal pace.  Some times he would pull away or react with a bold defiance and for those times he would receive a spanking.  This stopped the yanking free almost instantly and he soon became tired of "being led" down the hall.  Now when he starts to lag I stand up and he goes. 

The only time we are really still fighting this is with chores, especially when it is his day to do kitchen.  Keep in mind he is 10 years old and perfectly capable of doing the kitchen without any help, but he will notoriously throw himself on the floor and hide his face.  We handle this in a similar manner, I will pick him up and take him to the sink if necessary and if he drops himself to the floor he will get spanked.  More often than not, now however, is simply letting him know that he will do those dishes today, either after breakfast with only morning dishes or after dinner with the entire days worth of dishes.  With a family of 7 hungry people that is a lot of dishes.  He has had a few times of spending about 2 hours washing the dishes and cleaning the kitchen cause he thought I might cave. (I almost have because we would run out of dishes!!)

When it comes to stalling you really need to take a moment and determine how much of a defiance this is and how much attention it warrants.  From the sounds of your situation Elsie, Aiden is developing a much braver approach to refusing to do what is asked when it is asked.  I applaud your efforts and encourage you to persevere in your efforts.  If he wants to lollie-gag then firmly lead him to his destination.  If he pulls away a swift spanking is appropriate so he knows immediately that this is not acceptable.  When he "can't" pick up his toys take his hand and pick them up, then add a new chore for him as well and make sure he understands that this extra task is because he wouldn't cooperate with the first task.

If you notice he is showing this behavior more excessively when you are returning from a vacation or the like then it is important that he knows he still needs to be in control.  When Morgan, now 7, was 3 she would frequent unpleasant moods and they seemed to tie around specific circumstances.   I would tell her matter-of-factly that even though she is hot she still needs to obey the rules.  This was followed up by how mom and dad behaved as well, and the older siblings.  All of us are expected to be in control at all times and when our human characteristics win and we "lose our cool." We are not allowed to make excuses.  This approach has successfully taught my kids that circumstances make us miserable and cranky sometimes, but we choose how that affects our moods.  This young of an age is an excellent time to start telling Aiden that mom knows he is tired from his trip, but he still needs to follow the rules. 

I hope this is helpful Elsie and continue with your efforts.  It will lead to wonderful character building in the end.

Mikki Hogan Publisher of UniqueParenting.com