How do you build up a young girl's self-esteem?
Mikki, I'm so glad to hear that Morgan is making some progress in managing her fears. She is such a precious soul. I whole heartedly believe that as an adult she will channel her compassion and her ability to feel others' pain into making a difference in her community.
I have a similar concern with my niece. She is 6 years old. My sister has been divorced since she was an infant, but my niece has some contact with her father. I believe he watches her after school a couple of days out of the month. She also has amazing male influences in my dad and my husband. We all love her dearly. She was born with baby seizures which led to some developmental delays. She did not walk until she was 3 years old and she just started jumping and running a few months ago.
Now in public school, she has been the target of much bullying and teasing. The kids tell her that she is slow, weak, ugly, etc... We are all concerned about her self-esteem which is evidently very low. at every chance she gets, she tells people, even strangers, that she gets picked on at school. She also constantly fishes for compliments.
My sister is an amazing mother who works very hard at her full time nurse assistant job and is also taking courses to become a nurse. I cannot begin to imagine how tired and lonely she must feel. Sometimes the pressure gets to her, though, and she lashes out at my niece or she gets a little depressed and neglects her duties at home. I am not judging her by any means; I can't imagine myself in her shoes. I'm simply stating what I see.
My sister recently asked me what she can do to help her daughter's self-esteem. I was hoping I could get some ideas from you guys.
Thanks!
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Hello Debra. I think your decision to ask her about the kids that do like her is the key. You don't want to dismiss her sadness of course, it really hurts when kids don't like you. you could state that you are sorry that they don't give her a hug and then ask, what about so and so, did you have time to play with her today? What did you girls talk about?
This allows her to know feeling bad about how the other kids treat her is okay and that you are on her side, but keeps her eyes on the kids that like her and want to be her friend. Teaching this early will make a world of difference as she grows.
I spent some time with my niece yesterday and immediately she began to tell me that kids call her "slow" and "ugly." Instead of telling her what she should do, I decided to take a different approach. I asked her how it made her feel. I was not ready for her answer.
With the most sincere and heartfelt expression she said, "it makes me really, really, really, really sad." I was holding back tears! I could not fathom the pain this little 6 year old was feeling. As her aunt, I just want to protect her and knowing that she was so hurt just tore me apart. That is when I felt like this was a battle for her heart and spirit.
I told her that sometimes people say things that are not nice to me and it hurts me too. She chimed in and gave me some advice :) Then I told her that we should pray together. And we did. I asked God to give her strength and to change the hearts of the other kids. She prayed that the kids would not bother her anymore. We spent some sweet time together and I think it helped.
For the rest of the evening, whenever she tried to bring up the subject, I politely asked her to tell me about her good friends instead. I told her that I wanted to get to know the kids that were nice to her.
Please pray with me over this precious child.
Thanks!
Debra
Hi Debra,
As I read through this post there are many things of course that swarm my brain to suggest but decided I should get a couple clarifications first!
These answers will help me offer more specific suggestions and avoid restating the obvious :)
Mikki Hogan
Publisher of UniqueParenting.com
Mikki, thanks for your response.
1.My sister recently started coming to our church. She joined a Bible Study group for mommies that meets bi-weekly. She has started to form a few friendships there, which I am thankful for.
2. My niece has been from home daycare to headstart to pre-school to now public school. She is in Kindergarten. This is her first year in public school. The other schools were small, private or christian.
3. She has always been on the needy side but it is now manifesting more. I'm not sure if its because she is older, or because of the new competition (my kids), or because of things she picks up at school. Maybe we're just getting less able to keep up with her needs. When she was little it was cute to have her perform her little "tricks" for us. Now that she is a big girl she seems to still want the same attention. She is a little immature for her age.
We are all (my parents, my husband and I, even my sister herself) aware of the issue. My sister has self worth issues of her own so, I've thought that we may need to build both of them up in order to help.
I look forward to your ideas.
Debra
Hi Debra,
Thanks for sharing more information surrounding your niece. As you know my Morgan is a delicate one when it comes to emotions, especially when kids are not nice to her. I have had some first hand experience dealing with this issue and can share what seems to be working for her that you can share with your sister.
First it is great news to hear that your sister is building a support group through your church. Being a single mom is very challenging and the more she surrounds herself with positive people the more she will be emotionally available for her daughter. Continue to encourage her in those friendships, they are a great blessing for her though she may not notice it yet.
As taxing as it may be on her time, and you can leave this at your discretion to suggest, perhaps she could join a once a week art class for kids where moms get to participate. Here in CA they have excellent programs that can waive the fee for single moms, perhaps it is the same there? This time together will be completely stress free fun. Mom and daughter can create together which will result in building your niece's self-confidence. Creating in art, especially when you share that joy together, has a powerful impact on self-esteem.
Since this is not your niece's first experience in a peer group environment I would suffice it to say she knows pretty well the difference between kids liking her and kids not liking her. Sadly, kids today are far meaner than we were as kids. It saddens my heart to see it. Still this is the world our little ones are growing in and we have to aim higher to counter those impacts.
Your comment about asking her to talk about her friends was excellent! When Morgan comes to me in tears because the little girl at church was picking on her and just doesn't like her I don't deny her that feeling. It hurts real bad when someone doesn't like us, even more so when they aren't afraid to make sure you know. I take Morgan up into my lap, give her a hug and sincerely say, "I'm sorry they don't like you. You're such a wonderful friend to have." Then I let her cry, or share what is upsetting her followed with exactly what you did, "Why don't you hang out with Sabrina. She thinks you are great!"
Sometimes Morgan will express fears that the girls who don't like her are going to make everyone not like her and your niece may be experiencing this to some degree as well. I think you should end every interaction about the mean kids with a discussion about the kids who do like her and what they did that day. Always acknowledge her sadness because that validation will build her confidence in herself. She will learn that her feelings are real and okay and that those kids really are mean just because they are mean. The goal is that over time she learns to separate herself from those mean kids and feel less pain.
Since your niece does lean a little more towards the needy side this will take time and may never fully go away. She may always need someone close to her to let her know they are sorry those kids don't like her because she is an amazing friend to have. Always hold her when she cries, listen (however briefly) when she shares her story and end it with what a wonderful friend she is and remind her that by having her share stories of what she and her friends did that day.
A suggestion I would like to make that I feel would be a great benefit for your niece is to involve her in some activity that will allow her to learn a talent, practice it for those around her and then perform! Kids that like that recognition from the adults in their life do amazingly well when in this type of atmosphere. It gives her the opportunity to grow in self-confidence, feel powerful inside, and "show off" her talent in a positive manner. Lots of programs in larger areas offer discounts or waived fees for single moms on restricted income. Look into things like the YMCA in your area and you may find something that is a perfect fit.
Hope these help and I will be sure to add more if something comes to mind.
Mikki Hogan
Publisher of UniqueParenting.com