How do we train our children in the way of family?
While we were away this past month we listened to a sermon during one of our feast days. The speaker made a comment that really struck a nerve with me. He said, "You won't find a single school offer a high school or college boy classes on how to be a husband, or a father, or a friend."
This sent my wheels turning a mile a minute as I began to run through the reality of this statement. But it isn't just that the schools don't teach boys, they don't teach girls how to be a wife, mother and friend either. The strength of our society as a whole relies on strong relationships right, so why wouldn't we want these things taught to our children?
At home most parents passively teach their kids the roles in the family, and often we will inadvertently teach the wrong expectations to our children because they are learning by watching how we are in our relationships, but how much more powerful would these lessons be if they were intentional?
My mom and I used to laugh and poke fun at the differences in her home economics class (the girls were taught to bake AND make themselves pretty for their husbands all while having a hot meal on the table when they arrived home from work) and when I was in home economics I learned how to sew a bear. Now my girls are at the age of home economics and where it is still offered it is optional. I know high school now offers Life skills, but these courses focus on getting a job and being financially independent, not building a family.
I honestly hadn't put this much thought into this topic before listening to that sermon but my wheels went turning and I started thinking about how I teach my children about family and where I really can improve on this. I had put a lot of thought into how I would intentionally handle the scenario of my teen coming home and sharing they were having a baby (I was once that teen, so this was very big in my mind) and know exactly what I will expect and how I will relay that to the expecting teen parent (including the time needed to take the blow before talking Grin)
Now I recognize how much more important it is to intentionally teach our children how to be part of a family! Not just passively but really intentionally train them in the way of family. I know a lot of you guys have younger kids and I wonder what are your plans to train your kids? I will be spending more time evaluating how I am accomplishing this and where I need to improve and will share that as it comes into play, but I would love to hear how you guys view this and what you do to teach your kids.
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Thanks Cheryl,
This was exactly what I was thinking about intentionally teaching our kids. Like your situation, my husband and I have no real example to look on (my mother was single most of my life) and just like any other aspect in your marriage, making the decision to have a healthy relationship takes work and sets and intentional example for your children. So many of us get caught up in making it up as we go and then look back and think, "Maybe I should have done this instead" where our children would learn so much more if we made a commitment (before something happened) that when we disagree we will take 5 before talking about it, sit down calmly and resolve it before bed. Where both mom and dad discuss (one on one) what they expect from each other and understand each other, then our children will see a healthy example sacrifice, loving kindness, forgiveness and conflict resolution.
Thanks for sharing Cheryl! You made a very good point.
Mikki Hogan
Publisher of UniqueParenting.com
What an interesting topic! I honestly don't have anything earth-shattering to share on it, but definitely one to think about.
But one point I would make is that you can't underestimate the power of just setting an example for your children. I know this first hand.
Both my husband and I came from extremely dysfunctional families in many ways. I won't go into details, but just suffice it to say we had absolutely no good role models for what a healthy relationship should look like, how to deal with conflicts properly, how to show love and respect for others, etc. In general, we were pretty messed up! We laugh sometimes that we ended up together because nobody else would understand!
Anyway, there were points where we hit some really rough spots and we ended up going to counseling together. Through working with the counselor, we realized that we really had no family role models. We had no one to learn these things from. Basically, we were making it up as we went along and that just wasn't working. Through a lot of hard work and real soul-searching we made some major changes in our lives and how we deal with each other and now feel that we're on the right track. Perfect? Far from it, but doing a whole lot better.
So my point is that just be being open with your kids and letting them see how things should work, they will gain a wealth of information. And if mom and dad aren't together or are having issues themselves, even a surrogate would work. Is there an aunt and uncle who could set an example? A close friend? Grandma and grandpa? They just really need to see a healthy relationship and how it works.
Yes, maybe there should be some more directed instruction on the subject---but just providing a good example and role model will go further than you think!
Hi everyone,
I just wanted to say that Michedolene is correct. I'm in highschool right now and there really isn't any type of classes for us teens to learn how to be part of a family, when really we need it now more than anything so that when we do decide to start a family, or take on our adult roles we can do it the right way.
The funny thing is me and my brother Johnathan share an opinion on this topic. See, my mother says that we teach children and teens how to live and treat one another in our every day lives because children learn from what they see. Anyway, the thing is that me and my brother say "I can not possible mess up my marriage.. because I have learned exactly what not to do, I can't ever say the wrong thing." We have heard the arguments, and seen the outcomes of simple comments or decisions. So as long as we never say/do the things we have seen we will always be happy and keep our spouse happy. Grin
It's an interesting thing to live by... but it really is true. No matter how sad it truly may be.
What do you guys think?? Think that because we know exactly what not to do we will always be doing what keeps us and our spouse happy?