How Can I Help My First Grader Adjust?

Thank you both so much. I was very careful to not play into the scene too much and did just keep it to a short, I love you, you'll be fine, have a great day, be good, and I'll see you soon, hug, kiss, the end.

Well, I'm very happy to say that this week has been great! Monday and Tuesday, I walked him to his classroom and he said, bye, love you mom, hug, kiss, no tears. Yesterday morning, we had gone in early to do some AR tests in the computer lab. When it was time to go to his classroom, he actually said, mom, I want to walk to my class by myself! I still got the hug, kiss, and love you, but off he walked on his own. Then today I asked him if he wanted to walk in to school on his own, like his older brother. At first he didn't want to; still wanted me to walk to his room. But just before the bell rang, he said, no, mom, I do want to go by myself. Again, hug, kiss, I love you, and he was off!

I know he was fine before, even if he was a bit sad, but now I just feel so much better! I know he may still have his moments, but I feel like we made real progress the past couple days.

Thank you for your support!

Cheryl

Hi Cheryl,

I agree with Debra, as surprising as it may seem the kids seem to overcome their sadness faster when us moms don't place much emphasis on it. My daughter Morgan developed a sudden spout of sadness every time I would leave her to go to work. She was almost 6 at the time and really missed mom when I was away. My normal work was taking care of kids and this was her first experience of mom leaving for long periods of time. It started as a simple "mommy don't go to work. I miss you." Of course that sad look in her eyes was heart breaking so I would drag out my departure. Holding her and telling her I loved her. I would be back soon. She would have fun while I was gone.

After a couple of weeks her sadness seemed to grow and began to trickle into shorter departure times, like running to the grocery store. She started calling me every 5 minutes for absolutely no reason at all. I became concerned that my little girl was so sad when I left that I began to respond the same way when I went to the store as when I was going to work. Her clingy attachment of course grew and she had to go with me everywhere. She missed mommy too much when she was away. Six months into my job I was able to give it up and return to my preferred role of stay-at-home mom but the departure sadness did not improve.

Over the past several months I realized that a lot of her sadness was a direct result of my response to it and I made a firm decision to change that. It was hard at first because those sad eyes really hurt, but my response needed to change so she could go on about her business without mom right beside her. Gradually I got our good-byes back down to a hug, kiss, I love and will be back. She was sad but I was NOT. She saw that mom was OKAY about leaving and at first this seemed to trigger a "you don't love me" sort of response, but after that hump I saw a huge difference.

She would start to be sad and then chipper up after the good-bye. She stopped calling every 5 minutes (which actually sent me into withdraws by the way) and now today when she stays home and mom leaves to go some place she runs up with a quick hug and says bye as she runs off to play. There is still the occasional, "how long will you be gone" with a hint of sadness but I respond with a normal tone, "about an hour." and that's that.

How we respond to our childrens' emotions has a huge influence on theirs. They are constantly learning how they are supposed to respond in different situations and look to us for that direction. In the smallest situations we tell our children the appropriate emotion to things like saying good-bye. Often we become so concerned that "we might ignore our child's feelings" that we forget to "show" them how to feel when we are comforting them.

Mikki Hogan
Publisher of UniqueParenting.com

Dear Cheryl,

As a former full day Kindergarten teacher, I applaud you. You are doing everything right! Staying involved in school is so important to your child's success. Rest assured that a)he's only sad for about 5 minutes after you leave and b)this is temporary. Although there have been exceptions, children ususally grow out of that phase before Winter break.

First, I want to address that his behavior is healthy and normal. The fact that he walks into the classroom and stays at school despite being sad shows that he has a secure attachment to you. He is sad when you leave, but he knows that you love him and that you will come back for him.

Some things that you can do to ease the morning are:
1. Give him some space. Sounds weird but, your presence in his classroom or at the school might make things worse. If you want to volunteer at the school, try to only come to his classroom once a week. Perhaps on the same day of the week so that he has a special time to look forward to.

2. Make drop off quick and painless. Drop him off early enough that he can play with other children. Keep your goodbye ceremony short and sweet.

3. Be strong for him. Be sure that he draws from your confidence. Try not to give too much attention to the sadness, without disregarding his feelings.

I wish you and your son the best at school.

Debra