Do You Spank Your Children?
I know this can be a very touchy and delicate subject for a lot of people. And I'm definitely not raising the issue to judge anyone at all. We're all here because we know there's never just one right answer when it comes to parenting. We all need to make decisions that work for our family, based on our individual personalities, beliefs, temperaments, etc. So what I'm asking here is really out of a genuine interest and curiosity. People can sometimes have very strong opinions--on either side--about this, so it's not something I'll usually bring up with other mothers I see all the time.
Does your family believe in spanking? And why or why not? I'll share my view first and hope others will do the same. Not to judge or be judged, but just to have an open discussion.
We do not spank our children, never have. When they were infants and toddlers we did sometimes slap the back of a hand. This was usually as they were reaching for something where they could get hurt and had already been told no. We would slap the back of the hand, more as a "no, get away from that" sort of thing. Just the surprise of it was enough to get them to stop usuaully.
Here's my reasoning for not spanking. I feel that by spanking a child who's misbehaving, I'm teaching them that if you don't like how someone else is acting, you hit them and they stop. I know it's certainly not as simplistic as that. But thinking from a very young child's perspective, who may not have fully developed reasoning skills, this is what I see. You are doing something I don't want you to do. I've told you to stop. You don't stop. I hit you and that makes you stop. If it works for mom and dad, maybe it will work for me, too. As I said, I know that's simplistic, but I've had a hard time reconciling it in my head. If you bring a child into line by spanking them, won't they think that's how they get other people to listen to them as well?
I've certainly heard "spare the rod, spoil the child." But I guess I always took this a little more figuratively than literally. Yes, children do need discipline and should not be allowed to run wild. But could the "rod" in this case be other forms of discipline or punishment?
It's funny, but my husband and I never had a big conversation about this when the children were little. This is just the tactic that our family adopted and that works for us. I was raised in fear of "the strap" and my husband came from an abusive houshold, so maybe that has a lot to do with our viewpoints as parents ourselves.
Again, I hope I haven't offended anyone at all. I'm really not trying to judge, but just to have an open conversation about a difficult topic. I hope this post is taken in that spirit. I'd love to hear what you all think.
Thanks!
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Mikki's right...I always try to emphasize that spanking is my last resort...not my first. It is used for direct defiance and dangerous situations (like the one described above). It is merely one of the tools I use. Positive feedback, time outs, gentle reminders, talking over the situations, having him repeat directions to us...all of those happen in our home a lot more than spankings
Yes, I do the same thing Cheryl, once my kids were old enough to clearly communicate they were expected to tell me what they did wrong, but more importantly why it was wrong. Kids need a reason for the need of obedience. Spanking is one tool in our discipline method and used in combination of other forms of discipline like making sure they understand why their behavior was wrong.
Mikki Hogan
Publisher of UniqueParenting.com
Yep, I could understand being a little frightened by that one! And I see what you mean about getting across the seriousness of an issue.
One thing I've always done to make sure they're "getting it" is have the kids explain back to me what they've done wrong. If I've sent them for a time out or pulled away a toy or whatever it is, I explain why I'm doing it. Then before their time is up or their toy is back, I ask them, "now, do you understand why this happened?" They need to tell me in their own words what they did that deserved the intervention. That way I can kind of tell if they get it or not. And there have been times that I realized they really didn't. If they didn't we discuss it some more until they do understand. There were times I thought I had been perfectly clear, but come to find out they really didn't understand what I was saying at the time. It helps sort it out and make it very clear what is expected in the future.
I'm sure many of us do the same thing, and I guess it would work with whatever punishment or discipline we use.
I agree, these are times that truly require us to step up and ensure they understand we are serious. The natural consequences aren't worth playing with. Shocked
I am thankful that only one of my kids went the outlet phase and we lived in a very old house with old fuses, Danielle stuck a key in the outlet and received only a small smart but the spark blue the entire house and really scared her (it was dark out too in the middle of the country, when the house went down it was creeeepy dark) she left them alone after that.
Mikki Hogan
Publisher of UniqueParenting.com
Case in point for why we spank happened today.
Aiden, who I've mentioned before has a penchant for electrical outlets, stuck one of his strings from a set of lacing cards into an electrical socket. He wasn't hurt at all since rope doesn't conduct electricity, he just got mad when he couldn't get it out and came and got me to help him. At which point he received a spanking because I need him to remember that I am extremely serious about not touching electrical sockets. Since we don't spank often, I trust that he won't touch them again since he saw how serious I was about the dangers this morning. It has been years since he has received a spanking for touching those. I don't think I've had to deal with this since he used to pull on the cords when he was first becoming mobile.
If I didn't spank, I don't know how I'd convey my seriousness over the danger of electrical sockets. Shocked
He gave me a scare though...
Cheryl-Always a topic that brings up lots of discussion...that's for sure! I would completely agree with you that with your husband's family background, spanking is not a good idea for your family. Just as a person with a history of alcoholism in his family should stay away from alcohol, those who have been victims of child abuse should not spank. I don't have a problem with parents who choose not to spank--I wouldn't tell someone how to discipline their child (unless they were asking me for my advice), I do get mad when people think they have the right to tell me how to discipline my child. Frankly, no one has ever told me how to discipline him...but there are states where spanking is illegal, and I think that that's awful. Child abuse is a horrid crime that I just don't understand, but proper spanking is a far cry from child abuse.
We do spank, but I had very good modeling from my parents on how to spank correctly. Spankings were always done when my parents were calm. We were sent to our room first if my parents needed a breather to calm down. We always talked first about why we were getting the spanking, then we were spanked, finally my parents reaffirmed that they loved us and that they only spanked us because they cared so much for us--I even got the line "this really does hurt me more than it hurts you". And there were times where they messed up and spanked in anger. But for the 2 times that I remember that happening--once with my mom and once with my dad--they apologized to me for it. I think those moments spoke to me more than anything. In fact, with my mom we were in the store and I was feeling extremely sassy and said something that was completely inappropriate (I don't remember what it was, I just remember knowing that I had crossed a line as soon as it flew out of my mouth). She slapped me in the face. It was the first and only time she ever slapped me like that. When we got back to the car she told me that while I had been wrong to say what I said to her, she had been wrong to slap me like that. She started crying and told me that her mom used to pop them in the mouth and she always swore she'd never do that to her kids...and here she was doing it. I ended up consoling her and it was a real bonding moment for us. Like I said, that was the only time it ever happened, and I learned a lot from her humility with me...and it also taught me how valued I was to her that she was that upset over smacking me for something that I probably deserved to be smacked for.
So anyway...it was modeled really well to me and I am comfortable with spanking my son...It doesn't happen often, and it is done for things like direct defiance, situations where there is no time to practice a repeat performance because it is dangerous, and anything else that is a BIG deal. We don't do it for smallies. I usually give him the benefit of the doubt. I have to be very sure that he was directly defying me before I spank.
There are many other ways to discipline and I think that those avenues should be exhausted before reaching the spanking point. It works for us. We have a good relationship with our son and I have no doubts that he knows how loved he is...there are lots of hugs and kisses in this house...far more than spankings.