What does it really mean to have an authoritarian parenting style?

Authoritarian parents set high expectations for their children's behavior. They have strict rules and they expect children to follow those rules, no questions asked. There is no room for discussion here. It is, "You do as I say or else." Children's questioning of a rule would be considered a defiance of authority. The reason behind many instructions is simply, "because I said so." Severe punishment awaits those who choose to disobey the rules. Punishments are inconsistent and often, unrelated to the offense. For example, children who forget their homework may be asked to rake the yard as punishment.

Another trait of this type of parenting is a pressure for success. Parents expect their children to be the best in the classroom, on the field, in the arts; basically at everything. They equate success with love. If children are successful, then the parent is happy and affectionate. If children fail, then praise is withheld. There is no balance between affection and discipline. Fear is what mainly motivates children to behave and not an understanding of right and wrong. Children know that they have to comply, even if they do not understand why.

Parents may choose this method because they want their children to be well behaved under every circumstance and in every location. Some believe that children are subservient to adults. Others believe that if they give children a little bit of input, they will try to overthrow them. A handful of parents choose this method only because it is how they were raised and they turned out ok, not because they have thought about it and decided it is the best method for them.

Pros and Cons

In this style, children learn to obey no matter what. They learn to respect authority. These children may seem to be well-mannered and well-behaved.

On the downside, children's input is missing from their own lives. They are simply learning to please their parents. Children cannot understand or explain their own behavior. If left unsupervised, children may act wildly because they do not have anyone to answer to. Children become dependent on an outside source to monitor their behavior.

Effects On Children

Short term:

• Well-behaved, even if only while the adults are watching.
• Low self esteem due to the fact that they feel that their acceptance in their own family depends on their success.
• Fear - Children can become fearful of failing, which can be stifling. They can also become afraid of the parent and unable to become close.

Long term:

• People pleasers - Even if they feel like they will never be good enough, they will work hard to please parents. Eventually, they will assume that they must please a person in order to be worthy of their affection.
• As adults they may become consumed with a need to be liked by others.
• Rebellion - One day children may feel so controlled that they just explode and become the exact opposite of what they had been taught.
• Relationship problems - The parent child relationship will be a weak one because children turn to people who love and accept them for guidance and support.

Where Do You Go From Here?

Balance out discipline with affection. Follow up every negative comment or criticism, with four statements of genuine praise. Be consistent with consequences. Consequences need to be related to the offense in order for children to learn a lesson.