Is 3 too Young to Spend the Night at Grandparents?
Well, Thanksgiving is approaching and with it another in-law conundrum. To start with, sleeping at their house is extremely uncomfortable. I'm a very light sleeper and every year my husband and I try to cram ourselves into a full-sized bed. At home we sleep in a King so this is beyond cozy. Both of us feel as though we're sleeping on the edge of the bed and I have fallen off before. The bed is hard and creaky...neither of us sleep much when we stay there and we're always miserable.
Last Christmas my husband's grandmother invited us to stay with them. They have plenty of room, a queen size bed, and the rooms are set up so that Aiden would be directly across the hall from us. At the IL's he is down the hall in a room that has a computer and numerous board games--a room that I refused to let him sleep in last year because of the dangers posed. We readily accepted and thought it was the perfect way to work out the situation, but then my husband's parents got angry that the grandparents would have us at their house (and frankly, the only reason anyone cares where we sleep is because of our son). So the grandparents un-invited us. At that point, we told them all that we would be staying at a hotel so that we could get a good night sleep (we're open with them about the fact that we don't sleep well at their house). It's not a big deal (to us). We were planning on sleeping there for the night and coming over first thing in the morning and spending all of our time at their house until bedtime. They were extremely upset with us, but we stuck to our guns because there were going to be 7 adults sharing one bathroom at their house...I was newly pregnant with Chase and you never know when you'll need the privacy of the bathroom when you're pregnant Undecided. Plus, I needed my sleep since I was pregnant. Then we got the phone call that one brother and wife weren't staying there. Then we heard that the other brother and wife weren't staying there...finally it turned out that the grandmother who was supposed to be staying there that night wasn't going to stay either. So the IL's were going to have an empty house, we would have our pick of the rooms and it seemed silly to stay in a hotel at that point. We told them we'd stay with them--we felt really bad that they'd be alone on Christmas Eve...
Then we found out one of the brothers and wife would be there...that was fine, there was still an empty room for us and we planned on putting Aiden in the room we usually sleep in since it didn't have all of the distractions that the computer room (where they always tell us to put him) had--and a full bed would feel like a king to him. No big deal...
When we showed up on Christmas Eve, I went to put our stuff in the room we'd discussed taking (it has a queen bed)...someone's bags were already there Undecided. Hubby assured me that they had probably spent the night the night before and just hadn't moved their bags...As the night wore on I sensed that the other brother and his wife had decided to stay too...Sure enough they had. MIL assured us that it was fine and we would have the same room we had told her that we can't sleep in and Aiden would be fine in the computer room (the room I don't feel is a good place for a 2 year old who climbs out of his pack n' play in 2 seconds flat to sleep in). I was livid! We were very open about the reasons we didn't want to stay and they completely lied to us (telling us that no one was staying and then when we showed up everyone was staying--surprise!)...It was an awful night. I couldn't let Aiden sleep in the computer room, so hubby and I slept down there and put him in the full bed...And I sat up on couches all night...pregnant and miserable. Hubby was up with me because I cried most of the night.
So THIS year we've told them that we're staying in a hotel...but the only way we got away with it was by telling them that Aiden can stay at their house in the bedroom with the full bed. The problem is he is not sleeping through the night anymore. He wakes up most nights crying...There is no one at the IL's house to take care of him. The IL's sleep downstairs and across the house from where Aiden will be. They won't hear him. Hubby's brother will be sleeping near him, but he doesn't have kids and is newly divorced...he doesn't want to be taking care of our kid in the middle of the night, and frankly, Aiden sees him once a year--he's practically a stranger. I'm just so uncomfortable with the idea of him crying for me in the middle of the night and no one responding to him. He has spent the night away from us twice in his life. Both of those times he was right across the hall from my parents. He did fine for them...but he's starting to exhibit much more clingy behavior in recent months (I think it's the additional fears as his imagination takes off)...I'm just sick with worry over the whole situation. I'm tired of them being mad at us because we want to sleep so we can enjoy our holiday and I'm tired of it always being about them instead of about Aiden and where he'll be most comfortable. Of course I'll look out for Aiden's best interests...but any ideas of how to be diplomatic and not get written out of the will?
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Mikki-Good advice. And the truth is, since I'm more like your Morgan, and Aiden is more like his dad...he'll probably end up just fine in the new situation and have a blast. I just remember how I always felt staying the night at someone else's house and I worry that he'll have that same overwhelming fear and no one will do anything about it. He's not me and he's much more fearless, so he'll probably be fine...It's just that I'm projecting my childhood fears on him at this point.
I also heard a story about a child who got locked out of the house because he slept-walked outside in a really cold area last winter and died...I worry that Aiden will wake up looking for us and go outside and get himself locked out--he has locked himself out here at our house...but it was this past summer during the day and I heard him crying...Now because those experiences scared him I don't think he'd head outside without us, but if we aren't around and he's scared and looking for us, I really don't know what he'll do...Again, probably just my own irrational fear Undecided...but it's what I fear. You're right, he'll probably be just fine and have a blast. He'll get to sleep in a "big bed" and grammy and grandpa will wait on him hand and foot when they wake up. It's just the middle of the night hours that scare me
I come from a family of irrational, uncompromising individuals and at times it is the most taxing when trying to arrange things. I have learned that it doesn't really matter what I want, they aren't going to agree with it. In this situation the most important people that need to be considered are you, hubby and child.
Not to discount the MIL's desires to have their grandson for the night, I agree with hubby, he will probably be fine and actually have a ball with grandma and grandpa, but in reality your probably can't make them happy and you happy at the same time. Let's face it you don't want him to stay and they do. The really hard part is that hubby wants him to stay and you don't
This is where I think it is extremely important to put the MIL's out of the picture in your thought process, try and not think about how perfectly they will respond to Aiden during the night (I have some relatives that wouldn't get my kids period cause I think they are crazy but this doesn't seem to be the case) If hubby is confident that Aiden will be fine, as him to share why he is confident and hear him out. He might say something that really makes sense for you. Consider how much fun it will be for Aiden to have a night with grandma and grandpa WITHOUT mom and dad. He is old enough to really enjoy that night AND you're close enough to come if he gets scared.
To share my own story, we were at the feast last month and one church family was having a beach party for several other church families and we were invited. Each of my kids had a very dear friend that was going to be there and they were really excited to spend the afternoon with them, except mom had to work A dear friend of mine offered to take my kids for me (she is the mom of Aaron's little friend) and I was so thrilled for the offer, except for sending Morgan. Even Danielle was worried because she truly was afraid of having to cater to her and not enjoy her friends. Morgan has a tendency to have sudden fears that aren't easy to comfort, she doesn't talk to other adults, at all and she is known to really cling to Danielle.
I was agonizing over the possible scenarios. They had to take my car for everyone to fit, my kits seats 8 and theirs only 5, and I would be staying at the hotel, 40 minutes away. What if...ran through my mind like mad! My husband told me that she would be fine but I kept seeing poor Danielle trapped by catering to her little sister! This was very hard for me and very scary, but Morgan really wanted to go. In this situation I talked with my friend (who has never witnessed any of Morgan's moods, (at least the mom hosting the party witnessed one in relation to the separation from Danielle so somebody had an idea of what might be in store). even after my friends re-assurance that it would be okay, I still had fears. My husband helped me realize that if I don't let her go because of what might happen, then she won't have the opportunity to do learn how to do it.
Morgan went, mom worried for a couple of hours, sat on the phone with dad in genuine agony as dad told me to relax. They got back around 7pm and the only incident was on the ride home when Morgan thought she would have to eat dinner with them and not me .
I was glad she went, she had a great time and we all are better for it. Keep that in mind when you are facing your anxieties with this upcoming holiday sleep over. Express your feelings openly and let them know that you want them to call if they need you (they probably won't) and go to your hotel and worry it out if you need to. I often have to close my eyes when my kids try new things that I fear the outcome of, but know is good for their growth. I have found it to be an amazing trick.
Mikki Hogan
Publisher of UniqueParenting.com
Cheryl--Sometimes I have to double check with others to make sure I'm being rational. With all of these hormones, I just never know! Cheesy
Well, I talked to hubby last night about it and he thinks I'm being silly and that Aiden will be fine Angry. And his family really isn't very adult about things (which is why he wants to leave Aiden there and not deal with them)...it really will be seen as us trying to take Aiden away from them and they will be very angry. There is no rational thought with them when it comes to Aiden. There is this "you owe us our grandson" mentality that I just don't understand. That's the hard part. I've told my friend that sometimes I feel as though I'm a child fighting with someone else over my own toy...and here I am saying "well, you can play with it for a few minutes and then I'd like it back" and trying to come up with a compromise and they are refusing to compromise. (not that Aiden is a toy, but that's the best analogy I can come up with to explain how it feels). If hubby doesn't get on my side, I suppose I'll just have to be up in a hotel worrying about him all night long.